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I'm in control...


...and that's the way I like it. Really, I don't have to be the boss but I do need to feel like I have control of my situation. Call it rebellion or stubbornness but I've always been the sort of person that likes to be in charge of my situation. I seldom would put my safety into the hands of another growing up and even today I tend to be a bit of a control freak when it comes to me. There are certain people I totally trust with "me". The Lord has never let me down nor will he and my heart safety trusts in Johnny. In these two I relax but in the rest I'm always bracing myself just in case. 

Through the last 15 years of being a missionary things have always been exactly how they should be. We knew where, when and how. There have been some pot holes in the lanes of our lives but for the most part they have been tree covered and smooth. The Lord has always showed us exactly where He wanted us and how we were to conduct business. Still we know, ministry wise exactly what His will for our lives is but in personal life it's a different story altogether. Lately I feel very out of control. It seems like so many facets of our lives are our of sorts. Things just aren't like they should be. 

We have one son half way through Bible college and another about to start, that is if we can find a college for him to go to. We have had the hardest time finding God's will in this matter. It's vitally important that Josh attend the college God has for him. College is the tool God uses to direct a young preacher and we want Josh to be pointed down the old paths and get a start in the right direction. With everyone theoretically swimming downstream with the rest of the fishes we want Josh to spend his life swimming up stream. We want him to fight against the landslide of compromise and apathy that is all about us today and the choice we make about his college will determine which way our little fishy swims.  

Turning 40 has been an adjustment and with it has come some realities. Along with our aging we are facing the reality that our parents are aging. We both have parents that are in bad health and mobility is beginning to be a very big problem. Johnny's parents are still doing okay even though they are making more and more trips to the hospital these days. My mother however is alone and has no one to take care of her. I struggle with knowing that I can't be with her and worrying about her well being. The fact that missionaries are so far from home makes dealing with aging parents very difficult especially when those parents aren't prepared for retirement and live financially week to week and sometime day to day. It's difficult to know what to do for them and still keep the will of God first place in our lives. We're dedicated to finishing His will in our lives but along with that comes sacrifices and they're not easy. 

A midst all the problems in America we have a people who love us and need us in Croatia. We have a trust that God has put us over that we can not neglect come what may here in the United States. We stood and said out little goodbyes to our church folks and some of them cried for reiteration that we were going to return. We have a people 5000 mines away that God gave us and they are our ministry, our call in life and we will not neglect them. We will continue to life up the name of Jesus in Croatia until God tells us point blank that we are finished. 

Until I have the answers or until these situations work themselves out I'll just have to trust the Lord. I'm just gonna have to stop and wait for Him to work things out, for Him to show the solutions to these problems  

Isaiah 26:3 Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee. 

Nahum 1:7 says: The Lord is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and he knoweth them that trust in him. 

I'm just gonna have to trust that He sees far in advance and is working this story out for His glory. I'm just gonna have to wait and trust and trust and obey. 

**btw, I've heard preachers say many times as they began to preach that their sermons were more for them than the congregation, well that's the case with this blog post; it's more for me than it is for you. 



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4 comments:

  1. I hear you on the control thing. I too possess this .. quality (hardly) it is hard to live this way sometimes.

    I know kind of what you feel about aging parents an being far away. My dad is 2 hours away and while that is not 5000 miles it is hard to watch him when he is sick and know I can't just be there to visit or help him out whe needed...

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  2. More people are control freaks than anyone realizes some just take it to more extremes than others. It seems to me that right now God is lifting your fingers of control off one at a time. It is a difficult thing to allow but if you can be a missionary in another country you can deal with all that is coming your way. I learned long ago that acceptance is the most important factor to peace in any situation. Doesn't make it easy but it can help with peace. Ministry life even in the USA brings the same type difficulties just on a smaller scale. My mom had a heart attack and then quadruple bypass, my sister had a miscarriage and then gave birth to twins all while we lived in Oklahoma. While a 6 hour drive is much easier to handle than a flight out of the country I can still relate and also that is why I have such tremendous respect for missionaries. You DO sacrifice to be in the will of God! :)

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  3. Tori,
    I feel a little of your pain regarding aging parents. My parents live just 6 hrs away but my mother's parkinsons is always a concern and also my father as her caretaker. I struggle with not being there to help more.
    I will be praying for you and your family and that you are able to find a Bible college worthy of entrusting your son to.
    Wish I could meet you while you are here on furlough.
    Love & Prayers
    Carrie

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  4. I am right there with you, Tori! Thank you for this post, I needed it! I will try to not get in the Lord's way and like you, I will wait and trust.

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