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I kinda like chocolate too much to be dead

It's crazy, right when you think your past discouragement and settled in, BAM life slaps you up side the head. I would think, duh, after 12 almost 13 years of life in Croatia that I would be a pro and able to deal with anything that comes my way. I've managed to master this whole missionary thing, right?

Well, hold up! The status quo has changed. Things aren't as simple as they were before. I figured out how to make it with things like they were but wait a sec, someone has changed the rules. The playing ground isn't level any more. It's not us 5 against the world anymore.
Two years ago we took our oldest son Cody back to America to graduate and begin college. Leaving him on his own in the perilous United States was the hardest thing I've ever done. The whole idea that I would no longer be there to protect him scared me to death. Yea, I know and don't discount that the Lord was watching over him but somehow that wasn't the same thing. There were things that only I could protect him from, he needed me, or so I thought. Here we are two years out and he's doing fine. He's making it without me to watch over him, he's able to function, he's a man.
So okay, I can live without him here with me where I can keep an eye on him. He's okay and even safe. Life has leveled out and I've learned to deal with the change. But WAIT! another curve ball and I don't even like baseball.
We have 2 and a half months (according to Josh's countdown on his Kindle) until we return to the states so that Josh can graduate and stay for college. Are you kidding me, I just got over Cody leaving and now I'm losing Josh. Hold up, do you know how long it took me to stop buying candies in 3 count? How long it took me to stop setting 5 places? Like till yesterday it seems and here we are again...another change. Now I'm down to 3 place settings instead of 4. Life is shaking me up and I don't like it I hate it.

I remember being so much younger and critical and watching missionaries leave the field as soon as their last child flew the mission coup. Thinking to my self how they gave in and quit. Wow, it I had known what I now know I would have bit my tongue off before criticizing one of those families. I know that all families go through empty nest syndrome and yes it's real but not all families send their children 5000 miles away across the Atlantic Ocean.

Our son called us the other day at 10 pm. his car had broken down on the side of the road 5000 miles away. There he was in need of help and here we were feeling as helpless as ever. Sure the Lord jumped in as always and did what we couldn't but it's troubling to lie in bed at 3 in the morning and wonder if your kid is safe or not.
And what about when if my baby Hannah leaves. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? How could I possibly send my sweet little girl out among the wolves??? I ask you? It this world fair? What if..... okay totally not gonna go there but Hannah, my baby?

Life is changing for us, there's a whole new set of rules and to tell the truth I don't like it one bit. Crossing my arms and holding my ground, I'm in protest! I don't and won't let it change. I want it to be like it was. I'm not ready for another to leave. It can't happen......but it will and there's not a thing I can do. Okay yea I could hold onto them for dear life and kick and scream through this whole change and make my sweet husband miserable or I can agree to accept it and make the best of it. I mean really, is it so bad??? If the kids are safe and living for the Lord then what's so bad about Johnny and I having the house to ourselves? Hmmm....let me ponder this thought for a sec.

pondering....pondering...pondering...pondering...

Hold up! I'm thinking I've been looking at this whole thing all wrong. Sure life's gonna be lonely without our children in the house with us. I'm gonna miss their hugs enormously, their  "good morning Moms", and laughs but wait a minute. They're not disappearing from the face of the Earth, right? They're still gonna be around, right? I mean, we do have Vonage, Facebook  e-mail, Facetime, messaging, Google+, snail mail and a ton of other ways to communicate, right?


So I think I got my proverbial cart before my unicorn (yes since it's not real it can be a unicorn). As usual my mind took off and worried and fretted long before I considered the Maker and Designer of it all. Hey He knew long ago what was going to happen in my future. He knew those children were a loan for a small amount of time. He knew that life wasn't always gonna be the same old present state of affairs. Life is living, all living things grow and change. Would I want to be dead? I mean really, the only way things aren't going to change for me is if I'm dead and well, I kinda like chocolate too much to be dead. He knew and already sent encouragement and council ahead of me so it would be there when I needed it.

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Philippians 4:13
It's a promise! If His Word is true and it is as sure as I'm sitting here and even more so then I can claim his promise in my life. He promised it and I believe it!!!


Yea, I think I can do this. I think as life for this missionary family changes we're gonna have to let this missionary life change. We can't keep things like they were. Life grows and changes and that's a blessing from God. Hey, how else am I ever gonna get someone to call me Mimi and Johnny, Poppy???

Yeah, I think I could learn to love change! When's that plane arriving anyhoo?

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5 comments:

  1. Tori, I cried through your post and smiled as you came to the realizations you did! I have already lived through those emotions you are having! We are empty nesters once again. We have gone through it in temporary stages but now it is permanent. My son, Johnny lives in Seymour TX now and is getting married in March! My daughter lives about an hour and a half from us which isn't too bad but she lived out of state two different places (one 2000 miles away - Seattle is a long way from rural Missouri) and she went to 4 years at Heartland Bible College. I miss them - especially Johnny. I had his leaving happen sort of suddenly. But once I accepted it, my emotions settled down. Now, Bob and I love having the house to ourselves. We enjoy when they visit but there are advantages too! Less laundry. Less food bill. Important when you struggle financially! Also, getting to be more intimate with no interruptions or worrying abut someone else in the house! :) My big concern that I still struggle with is that my someday grandkids will not get to know me well and will not be as close with me as they will be with the grandparents next door! :(

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  2. My children are 12 and 7. I got choked up thinking about mine leaving. My son is between wanting to be a boy and becoming a young man. I pray the Lord leads me and guides me as He has you, as you've raised a son that is a Godly man, 5000 miles from his mom. Only God can do that through you. Boy! I pray He will do it through me too. Not just for my son but my daughter too.
    This post was so encouraging to me in some many different ways. I mean it will be nice one day to have an uninterupted conversation with my husband. Thank you!

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  3. Hey! Thanks for visiting my blog.

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  4. This really got me thinking. We haven't even made it to the mission field yet (Lord willing in September!) and Paul is just a baby, but there is still plenty that applies. Thanks for sharing your heart!

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  5. I'm feeling some of those same emotions, and my oldest is only 13! I like things the way they are, so why does it have to change? lol!
    Someone once told me that sad goodbyes are good - it means you have people who love you.
    Praying for you all. (And I'm glad to know I'm not the only one feeling this way!) :)

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